I have been in an extraordinary set of circumstances these past months.
On August 17, 2023, I checked into a rehabilitation center, somewhere over the rainbow. Today, I am officially no longer in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) but now a member of the Intensive Out-patient Program (IOP).
It is five months to the day.
I have a job that I love, the kind those in early-recovery from addiction need. I have new freedoms. I have communication with the outside. I have hopes. I have fears. I have anxieties. I have resolve.
I am excited to have these new freedoms, of course; but with freedom comes a tremendous responsibility, an obligation to self and society I had for too long imagined I was—not exempt from—somehow not expected to be capable of living up to, a message I had cultivated from life experience and willful self-abnegation, avoiding all form of responsibility—or taking on the minimum, still failing at that—abandoning all sense of being an accountable self.
Something like that.
This has changed.
In recognizing my worth as a human being like any other, I have confronted my defects of character, my maladaptive compulsions and their correlative impulses to reward themselves, sometimes motivated by trauma, sometimes motivated by a need for control and power over others: an ineffective morass of insecurities and manipulative necessity.
We all need to feel secure by some manner of action; most of us operate well within modes that are socially acceptable, rarely deviating from norms and codes of behavior. Some of us, addicts of all kind and type, fail at this repeatedly.
We have our reasons. We have our rationalizations. We have our emotional excuses.
Whatever those are, they are not ultimately helpful in regaining proper control of our lives and our actions.
Mindfulness. Distress tolerance. Emotional regulation. Interpersonal effectiveness.
These are the four pillars of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, an essential module for a purposeful, decent, and successful life. I sat for twelve weeks in this class, among many hours per day in group and individual therapy. But I had to slip and fall, while in treatment, to fully appreciate and be capable of applying these four guides to character formation. I am an addict. We, for some esoteric reason, for some will of God, must learn the hard way.
In short, I am feeling well. I am feeling prepared. I am feeling anxious, vulnerable, scared. But so are we all. Being aware of those thoughts and feelings, embracing whatever impulses of nature that attach to those most human of insecurities, being mindful (truthful) of my thoughts and feelings, allowing but not empowering self-judgements of them, accepting distress, objectifying emotions to feel them and not to resist them—combined as a unit of whole being—is the collective medicine for an effective, good life.
I am forever grateful to the many clinicians, spiritual leaders, fellow patients, and loving persons who supported me in all the ways I needed, in ways that have challenged me to the core of my soul. I had a lot to unravel, understand, confess, admit, confront, and compose. I could never repay the debt I owe this community except by fulfilling the promise they have helped me to discover.
It won’t be easy. Life is fucking difficult. And painful. Scary. Pretending it might be easy is the quickest of quicksand, as pretense is the addict’s most mastered trick of self-delusion, and it is deadly. No one else is fooled by it. We fool only ourselves. But I have the tools, the moral courage, and the willingness to live a life worthy of the good judgements of my peers. I pray I will make it. Please pray for me and the many millions of tender souls right now who are suffering in silence and deep pain.
God bless. And thanks.
As a fellow addict (shopping) I do understand how challenging it is to face the multiple factors that led us to form such dangerous habits. I was worried when you left Twitter (Or X, whatever) so suddenly last year, but reading this? I feel that you are in a much better and healthier place right now.
Kudos on your recovery and I am excited to read your future projects!